109. 5 Questions To Help You Prepare For Any Divorce Or Co-Parenting Meeting
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[Unedited transcript, please excuse errors.]
Hello friends and welcome back to the podcast. I am excited to share a new resource with you all and it really came about because I've had the same conversation. I've offered the same coaching to many, many clients as they are preparing for either a divorce meeting or a co parenting meeting. And what I find is folks are worried before these meetings.
They are scared about what the other person might bring up or present or whether they'll be able to get what they want. They feel like a lot is at stake in these meetings and that if something goes wrong, they'll be trapped in a certain situation or have to agree to something that they really don't want to have to agree to. I'm always happy to coach people in preparing for these meetings so that they can go in feeling much more grounded and calm and clear about what's in their control, what isn't in their control, And how no one meeting is going to be kind of the end of the world. No one meeting is going to define everything for the future.
That there's always more possibilities than we allow ourselves to imagine. And what I found is I tend to walk folks through the same five questions. And so I've decided. That I would create a resource that you can download from my website that are the five questions to help you prepare for any divorce or co parenting meeting.
What I want to emphasize here is that you can use these questions to prepare for a meeting if you're just meeting one on one with your own attorney. Or if you're meeting with a financial specialist. Or if you're meeting with somebody who's helping you create the parenting plan. You can use these questions.
If your co parent is present or if they're not, either way, these questions are going to help you just get really clear about what's important to you and settle your nervous system so that you can show up in the way that you most want to show up. By taking the time to understand what your goals are, your fears, your desired emotions, your self beliefs, and your measures of success, you'll feel much more empowered.
and in control as you navigate what are often emotionally challenging or charged situations. So let me walk you through these five questions and then I encourage you to head on over to my website, download the PDF of these questions so that you can keep it with you and Reflect on them every time you are preparing for one of these meetings.
The first question is, what is my goal for this meeting? Sometimes we think it should be clear and automatic what my goal is, but I like to. Challenge our brain to really write down what is my specific goal. say you're going into a meeting with a financial specialist. What do you want to get out of this meeting?
What is going to help you. Maybe you have three questions that you really want to get answered. Or you want to know what additional information you need to gather for them. Or you want to know what are the steps going forward. And they'll bring other things that they want to talk about to the meeting.
But let's get clear on what you want out of this meeting. What is your goal? All right. Question number two. What am I afraid of or worried about? Let's just put that boogeyman right out on the table. Let's write it down. Let's put words to it. Am I afraid that my co parent is going to ask for something that I don't want?
Am I afraid they're going to accuse me of something? Am I afraid that we won't make any progress? Whatever it is, Let's get it out of just swirling around in our brain and put it down on paper because then we can prepare for it and we can deal with it. So that second question, what am I afraid of or worried about, has a little follow up question, which is, what do I want to do or believe if that does happen?
So let's take the worst case scenario that your ex says, X, Y and Z to you, whatever, whatever it might be that you feel very activated anytime that they say this thing. Maybe they blame you for something. Maybe they put up a wall and resist a request or maybe they put conditions on something that you want.
Maybe there's just a pattern that. that you're anticipating and you're worried about it. So the follow up question is, what do I want to do or believe if that does happen? So what will you do? What is your plan around how you want to respond? How you want to calm your nervous system, what do you want to make it mean if they say those things, like let's decide ahead of time so that you're not surprised when it happens, and you actually already have your plan of what you're going to do.
We can't control what another person says or does. All we get to control is how we choose to react and respond to it. I like to acknowledge that sometimes there's a piece of us that just has an automatic. reaction. We have an automatic nervous system response to our co parent or our ex doing X, Y, and Z.
That's okay. If all of a sudden they say something and I feel very agitated, I feel very tense, or I feel really sad. Like, I feel like I want to cry. You know, that's, that's okay. That's just our body responding. And then what do I want to do now that my body is feeling that way? What can I have control over?
What can I shift or change or take care of myself in a certain way? If that happens, we make a plan for it. Okay, question number three. How do I want to feel during this meeting? Sometimes we go into these meetings and we don't think we have any control over how we feel. And the reality is we can intentionally cultivate thoughts.
And beliefs about ourself and this meeting so that we can feel more the way that we want to be feeling, that we don't leave it up to chance so if the feeling that I most want to feel during this meeting is calm, then I want to intentionally decide that's what I want to keep coming back to during this meeting, how can I help calm myself down, maybe the feeling we most want to feel is resourced.
or open or curious or optimistic or resilient. We can choose whatever we want, but it's, it's us deciding ahead of time. This is what I'm going to come back to. This is what I'm going to cultivate no matter what other people in this meeting are doing. Okay. Number four, what do I want to believe about myself going into this meeting?
I love this question so much. Sometimes we get caught up in hypothetical future scenarios that might happen. What, what is the financial picture going to look like? What is the parenting plan? What if he asks for custody? What if she wants to keep the house? Like all of these different things.
And we lose sight of deciding what we actually want to believe about ourselves in this situation. Some beliefs I have heard clients come up with are, I can handle whatever comes my way. Or, I figured everything out up to this point. I'll be able to figure out whatever comes next. Or, I know I don't have to make a decision in the moment.
I can always take some time to think about it. And I'll come to a solution that feels good to me. Or, I can listen to anything that they propose without making a decision. Or I am a very curious person and I am open to hearing lots of new ideas. Whatever it is that you want to believe about yourself that helps you feel The way that you want to feel in this meeting.
So it kind of connects to question number three. How do you want to feel? And then what do we want to believe about myself going into the meeting? Okay. And then the last question, question number five, how will I decide that this meeting was a success? So we have our goal. That's the first question I offered.
What is my goal for this meeting? So part of what might make it a success is achieving your goal, right? Getting your questions answered, learning about a new thing. Maybe, you know, making one decision about something. Maybe that's part of your goal. your definition of success. But what else will make this meeting a success?
If you're able to feel the way you want to feel during the meeting, will that make it a success? If you are able to stay calm and non reactive. If you are able to allow the other person to speak without interrupting, And offer constructive new ideas or, or constructive options. Will that make it a success?
If you learn something new that then helps you with your decision making, does that make this meeting a success? If you feel more clear about your next steps, does that make this meeting a success? So we take some time to really decide ahead of time. What is going to make this a success so that we aren't going into the meeting just hoping for one thing that will make it worthwhile or make us feel good.
We are deciding ahead of time how we're going to label this a success. So remember. We can intentionally choose our goals, our thoughts, and our feelings. And by defining our measures of success, we truly focus on what's in our control rather than what's in other people's control. So if you have any of these meetings coming up, and the reality for all of us is that once we're co parenting, We probably are going to have these meetings, you know, until our kids are grown.
Use these questions. Go grab the pdf from my website meggluckman. com. Download it and have it there so that you can reflect on them before you go into any of these meetings so that you feel more calm, more grounded, and more clear about what your goals are, how you will define success, and how you really want to think about yourself through this whole process.
All right. Hope that's helpful y'all. Come say hi to me on Instagram as well. I love seeing folks there, and I will talk to you next week. Bye now.
⭐️ New Resource Alert! ⭐️
I've noticed many people feel nervous before divorce or co-parenting meetings, worrying about what might happen or if they'll get what they want.
But fear not! I've got 5 QUESTIONS that will help you feel calm, confident, and ready to take on anything that comes your way.
Whether you're meeting with a lawyer, financial advisor, or co-parent, these questions are super easy to use.
By answering them, you'll feel empowered and in control as you tackle these important discussions.
So, let's dive into this week's Welcome to the Other Side podcast episode and explore these questions together.
You can also download the 5 Questions PDF to keep them handy for your next meeting!
Happy listening!
