You Don't Have to Trust Your Ex
About two years after my divorce, I was on a walk through some mossy woods when this thought landed with me, clear as day: I don't need to trust my ex.
I know that might sound strange—maybe even wrong. But stay with me, because this reframe changed everything for me, and it's changed everything for so many of my clients too.
The Trust Trap
Here's what I hear almost on the daily in my coaching practice:
"I don't trust my ex."
"I don't trust my co-parent."
But then comes the part that breaks my heart a little:
"I think I SHOULD trust them..."
"I WANT to get to a place where I can trust them..."
"I think I NEED to trust them to feel safe going forward."
That's when I pause the conversation. Because we've got some assumptions baked into this word "trust" that might not actually be serving us.
What Trust Actually Means
Let's get curious about trust for a moment. What even IS it?
I think of trust as believing someone will behave and treat us in a way we both EXPECT and WANT.
Both pieces matter. It's not enough that we expect something—we also have to want it to happen. That's when we feel that sense of trust.
For example, I trust my 14-year-old to go to all her classes. I expect her to do it, and I want her to do it. Check and check.
I trust that if I'm sick, my friends will bring me food. I expect it, and I want it.
Where It Breaks Down with Co-Parents
But here's what happens with co-parents.
We DO expect how they'll behave. If we're honest with ourselves, they have very clear patterns. We can predict them pretty darn well.
But we DON'T want them to behave that way.
So we've got the EXPECT part down, but the WANT part? Not so much. And that's where the trust breaks down.
The Areas That Actually Work
Now here's the funny thing—there actually ARE areas where we do trust our co-parent. We just don't think about those because they're working fine.
Do you trust your co-parent to make sure the kids wear seatbelts in the car? Probably yes. You expect it, and you want it.
Do you trust them to let you know if your kid spikes a fever? To feed the kids dinner on their nights? Most likely, yes. You expect those things and you want those things.
But we don't spend mental energy on those areas because they're not causing us problems. It's the areas where what we WANT and what we EXPECT don't line up—that's where all our attention goes. That's what makes us feel like "I don't trust them" across the board.
The Real Hurt
And here's the big one—the place where most of the pain lives:
We don't trust that they'll be considerate of our emotions or care about what we want.
We expect them NOT to care—honestly, the patterns are pretty clear there too. But we really, really WANT them to care. We want them to think about how their choices affect us. We want them to consider our needs when they make decisions.
And when that gap shows up over and over? That's where it hurts.
The Actor Exercise
Let me show you what I mean with a real example from my coaching practice.
I had a client—let's call her Sarah—who kept saying "I don't trust him, I don't trust him." So I asked her to do this exercise:
Imagine there's going to be an actor playing your co-parent in a movie, and you need to write a character description. What are his mannerisms? His patterns? His priorities?
And she just started listing things:
"He replies to texts within two minutes if it's about something HE needs—like switching weekends because of his golf tournament. But if it's about the kids' doctor appointments or school forms? Three days. Minimum. Sometimes never."
"He always says yes to things in the moment to look like the good guy, then backs out later when it's inconvenient."
"He'll spend big on flashy gifts the kids don't need, but fights me on splitting the cost of to sign up for soccer."
As she's making this list, she's laughing a little, because she KNOWS him. She can predict exactly how he'll show up.
The EXPECT part? She's got it.
What she doesn't have is the WANT part. She doesn't want him to behave this way. But he does. Consistently.
The New Focus: Two Things You Can Control
So if we can't get our co-parent to behave the way we want—and believe me, if ten years of marriage couldn't change them, three emails probably won't either—what do we do?
Here's the shift I help my clients make:
1. Get Really Good at Expecting Their Patterns
Not so we're defeated, but so we're prepared and not constantly surprised.
Sarah started sending emails like: "If I don't hear back from you by Friday, I'll go ahead and schedule the teacher conference for a time that works in my schedule."
Did he sometimes get upset about the time she chose? Yep.
Did she expect that? Also yep.
It's like serving my kids zucchini—I know they're going to make faces, and I'm ready for it.
The Hard but Freeing Part
And here's something we need to accept: Being considerate of our emotions is no longer their role.
They're not our intimate partner anymore. Our emotional state isn't as important to them as it used to be—and honestly, as painful as that is, it makes sense. That's what happens when a relationship ends.
So we stop waiting for them to care about how their decisions affect us emotionally. We expect that they won't prioritize that, because they don't.
And we find other people—friends, coaches, therapists—who DO care about our emotional wellbeing.
2. Focus on Trusting YOURSELF to Handle Whatever Comes Up
This is where the real magic happens.
I have my clients do this reflection: Think about everything you've figured out in the last 24 hours. The last month. The last year.
Think about who you were five years ago and what you're capable of now.
You have figured out EVERYTHING up to this moment. Maybe it was messy, maybe it wasn't perfect, but you did it.
You've been resourceful, creative, brave. You've asked for help. You've tried new things.
You don't need to trust your co-parent to feel safe. You need to trust YOU.
Because you've got you.
The Real Freedom
So when my clients say "I don't trust my ex," what they're really saying is "I wish they would behave differently, especially toward my feelings."
And I get it. That does kind of suck.
But here's what I help them see: You don't need them to change to feel peace. You need to expect their patterns and trust yourself to handle it.
That's where the real freedom is.
You don't have to trust your ex. You just have to trust yourself.
