Happiness Doesn’t Get Divided Up In A Divorce
Have you ever watched your ex drop off the kids and thought to yourself, "It's not fair"?
I have. Too many times to count.
There they are—confident, calm, seemingly having the time of their life. They appear relaxed with the kids, solid about their future. They don't seem to worry about tracking every little detail. They're not stressing about finances or running an endless to-do list in their heads. They have time for social activities and adventures.
Meanwhile, you feel like everything rests HEAVY on your shoulders. You don't know what the future holds, and your confidence is shakey. Time feels like a luxury you can't afford. Everything just feels so hard.
The "It's Not Fair" Trap
I remember watching my ex give our children gifts I couldn't afford. The thought immediately surfaced: "It's not fair that he gets to do that."
But here's what I've learned: When "it's not fair" pops into your mind, it's actually pointing to something deeper—a hidden desire. Something you genuinely want for yourself. And that desire is completely valid.
We get fooled into thinking life is a zero-sum game. If your ex has something good—time, joy, resources—then somehow that means you can't have it too. This is especially false when it comes to happiness.
If your ex is happy and thriving, it doesn't mean you can't do the same.
There's no limit to thriving. Happiness doesn’t get divided up in a divorce. No one decided who gets to be happy and who doesn't. But as long as you're stuck in comparison, you'll never figure out how to create what you truly desire.
From Comparison to Creation
I used to feel a pang of jealousy during drop-offs when I'd see my kids laughing, joking, and being playful with their dad. The familiar refrain would echo in my head: "It's not fair. Why can't I have that? They don't have to deal with what I'm dealing with."
When it finally sank in that this thought was simply highlighting what I wanted—a playful relationship with my kids—everything shifted. Instead of dwelling on the comparison, I started thinking: "How do I create that playful relationship? How do I balance the serious stuff—child-rearing, chores, homework—with jokes, laughter, tickling, wrestling, and silly games?"
Letting Desires Guide You
Let that thought of "it's not fair" point you toward what you really want. Then figure out how to create it.
Ask yourself:
What exactly am I envious of?
What desire is hiding behind my comparison?
What small step can I take today to move toward what I want?
The beautiful truth is that your ex's good fortune or happiness doesn't diminish your potential for the same. There's enough joy, enough success, enough good times to go around.
When you flip the switch from comparison to desire, you reclaim your power to create the post-divorce life you truly want—heavy parts, light parts, and everything in between.
What hidden desire has your "it's not fair" thinking been trying to show you?
