107: Mindset Mini: Spouse Mind vs. Parent Mind
-
[Unedited transcript, please excuse errors.]
107. Spouse vs Parent Mind; How to Tell Your Kids You're Getting Divorced
[00:00:00] Hello everyone and welcome back to the podcast. I have another mindset mini episode for you today where I share a concept that I want you to be able to hear about, digest, and apply to your life as quick as possible. Today I want to talk about a concept I learned from my mentor, Karen Bonnell, who has been working in co parenting for decades: the spouse mind versus the parent mind. When we're going through divorce and in the years afterwards, when we're recovering from our divorce and we're creating our new life and we're co parenting, we have two minds that we can flip between. We have a spouse mind that remembers what it was like to be in an intimate relationship with this other person.
[00:01:03] We have a lot of feelings that might come up when we think about how that relationship ended. We might feel resentful. We might feel betrayed or heartbroken. We might feel hurt. We might feel revengeful. I don't even know if that's really a word. We might feel like we want to take revenge. We might feel a lot of blame.
[00:01:28] We want to blame the other person for what has happened. And there can be facts, you know, tied up in all of that.
[00:01:36] It might have been the other person who asked for the divorce. It might have been the other person who left or who had an affair. And so there can be a lot. a lot of strong feelings that are associated with our spousal relationship that we had. Now on the other side we have our parent mind, which is always thinking about how do I support my kids, what's in the best interest of my kids in this situation.
[00:02:07] And what we find is that depending on which mind is kind of driving the car at any given moment, we're going to feel tempted to behave differently.
[00:02:18] So when we think about how do I talk about my ex, my, you know, former spouse, who's now my co parent, how do I talk about them to my kids? If we're operating from this spouse brain, That it might still be grieving a lot, might still have a lot of strong emotions, might find the ex's behavior to be very activating.
[00:02:48] Like we get texts and we're very activated by these texts that come in because there's a longer storyline. That we, that we tie it to. We, we make it mean something, each text, and so we can feel very emotional. And so when we think about how we talk about that person to our kids, we might be tempted to put them down.
[00:03:14] We might be tempted to blame them for the divorce, or to blame them for our stress, or to blame them for our emotions. I like to say, like, We might be tempted to throw them under the bus. It might feel in that moment like it would be very satisfying to blame the other person. It would, it would make us feel better somehow.
[00:03:39] And we might do that. with our girlfriends when we're hanging out and we are just venting about everything our ex is doing or has done. And we might do that also in therapy, like that's a great space to be able to just spew out. All of our feelings, all our big emotions about this other person's behavior and its impact on our life.
[00:04:09] But when we switch from our spouse mind to our parent mind, and we realize our number one priority is to provide stability and assurance to our kids. We realize they're not interested in our intimate relationship with their other parent, right? They don't actually think of that. They don't think about that romantic relationship we had, that spousal relationship we had.
[00:04:44] They just think about the parenting relationship and they want to know that the parenting relationship. is safe and solid.
[00:04:57] And what they really need is to not have to choose between the two of you. This is so important for kids. We actually have a term for this. It's called a loyalty bind, right? Where kids feel pulled that they have to be loyal to one parent or to the other. And we don't want them to have to choose. We want them to feel solid in their connection to both parents.
[00:05:26] It's not good for them to have to choose who's the good parent and who's the bad parent.
[00:05:31] They want both loving parents to be a part of their lives. And of course there's exceptions here, right, when we're talking about a case where there might be domestic violence or substance abuse or some mental health issues, there's always some exceptions. But for the most part, kids want positive relationships with both of their parents.
[00:05:57] And of course that looks so different if you're dealing with a toddler and if you're dealing with a teen. What a teen's positive relationship. with parents looks like can be very different from a toddler, right? But they deserve the opportunity to have the best possible relationship with both parents.
[00:06:18] So from that parent mind, we can ask, what do they need to feel loved and safe and supported and comfortable talking about all parts of their life with me? Right, which includes them being able to talk about the other parent with me, which is wild, right? Maybe when we're getting divorced, we think, well, they'll just talk about dad over when they're with dad.
[00:06:49] And they when we're here, we just won't talk about dad at all. But in reality, they have one childhood. And we want them to feel like they can bring that whole childhood in with us into our home, into their other parent's home. One of the big markers I find for parents as we do this work together. And we work through any hurdles to them being able to be a hundred percent supportive of their kiddos is when they can comfortably talk about the other parent and maybe even the other parents new partners with their kids.
[00:07:37] And what this often might. Start out as is just a conversation about like, what did you do with dad, you know, over the weekend and getting to hear about it. Then it might move into you being able to say positive things about the other parent. Yeah, dad is really good at Minecraft. I'm so glad that you guys get to do that together.
[00:08:02] And I'm so glad I don't have to do Minecraft. That's my in parentheses comment and then moving further and being able to say that kind of positive statement about their new partners. That's what we get to work towards because what that means for our kids is that they can show up in our homes and know that they can bring their whole selves.
[00:08:27] They can talk about anything that's going on for them. That they don't need to protect us, they don't need to avoid topics because it's going to hurt our feelings. That's not their job as kiddos. If a topic triggers something in us or activates something in us, say, you know, dad is buying a new house or dad is taking them on a big vacation and we feel activated by that news, it's not our kid's job to soothe us.
[00:09:03] We are adults and we can take that to our coach or to our therapist or to our best friend and get help processing that so that we can be solid and we can be stable when we are talking to our kids and let them bring up anything that they want to bring up.
[00:09:24] Let me give you a very common example of where it's so important to operate from our parent mind instead of our spouse mind. When we talk about how to tell our kids that we're getting divorced. If we're operating from our spouse mind, we're going to be so tempted to blame the other person. To say, this is why this is all happening.
[00:09:51] It's their fault. This is, you know, This didn't have to happen. Maybe if you are the one who doesn't want the divorce, right? You might say things like, you know, it's it's dad's fault. This is happening or it wasn't my decision.
[00:10:06] And though there may be aspects of that that are totally true. It might not be your decision. These are adult topics. These are adult decisions. They are not kid topics. We want our kids to have age appropriate language to explain and make sense of a divorce. So sometimes parents will say, don't my kids deserve the truth?
[00:10:40] And the reality is no. They deserve age appropriate information that is not going to confuse them, nor is going to detrimentally impact their relationship with their parents.
[00:10:57] So, if we go back to thinking, how would I approach this conversation, telling the kids we're going to get divorced, from a parent mind, What kids need to know is that it was an adult decision and that they still have two parents that love them. So here's an example of how that might sound. Telling your kids that you're getting divorced.
[00:11:27] Daddy and I weren't able to love each other the way husbands and wives are supposed to love each other. And so we are getting divorced. And we're really sad about this, and we're sorry that this is happening. We still love being your parents, and nothing changes about that at all. We are going to move from being a one home family where we all live together.
[00:11:59] To you having one home with mom and one home with dad.
[00:12:03] So it is factual in that this is what's happening. It is giving responsibility to the parents that it was our decision and we're sad. And we're sorry that this is happening. And it's happening. It's clean and clear. And sometimes you'll have a kid that gets it the first time that you say it. And it just lands for them and they're good to go.
[00:12:35] And then sometimes you'll have kids that are going to ask again and again and again. Right? You might have a three year old or five year old who said, So what's going on again? Why, why, why is mommy moving out? You know, why is mom, what's going on? And you can just say it again, the same exact thing. Mommy and I weren't able to love each other.
[00:13:05] The way a husband and wife are supposed to love each other. So we are getting divorced and we're sad and we're sorry that it's happening. And we still love being your parents. And now you'll have one house with me and one house with mommy. Sometimes parents feel like if their kids are asking again and again for details or, or seem like they're asking for details, but they're just kind of questioning the story again and again that they need to provide more information.
[00:13:40] In reality, the kids are actually kind of like poking, poking at a bubble. Imagine that, right? They're trying to see if it's solid, if it's stable. Is this a, is this a real thing? And by you just repeating again and again the same story, You are giving them a solid foundation. You are planting in them the story that will help guide them through this process.
[00:14:12] If you find that kids keep asking, especially, you know, in that that toddler, Preschool age or as teens, they keep asking. You can also turn it back to them and get really curious about why are you asking, right? What do they want to know? Sometimes what comes up is, you know, they're trying to apply what they've heard from another kid at school.
[00:14:41] and their experience of divorce to what's going to happen for them. And they're wanting some clarity to make sure that they really understand because it doesn't sound like what happened to Jimmy at school. Right? Or, especially on our teen side, they've heard about things like affairs or substance abuse or parents leaving.
[00:15:04] And they're checking to see what's going on here. Right? And again Our goal is to maintain the quality of relationship both parents have with their children and maintain that children are children and adults have decisions. and have topics that are not appropriate for kids. So separating it out and just keep coming back to curiosity.
[00:15:34] I understand you have these questions. What's, what's going on underneath? Is there something else you want to know? And if, if they blatantly say, you know, did, was there an affair? Was, did somebody leave? Is somebody in trouble? You can say, well, it looks like you're trying to find. A reason for this divorce to happen, but the reality is, at the end of the day, mom and dad couldn't love each other like a husband and wife are supposed to love each other.
[00:16:04] And that's why we're getting divorced. It's okay if they get frustrated that you keep giving that same answer. That's okay. They will move on. They will move on once you have set this foundation for how things are going to unfold.
[00:16:24] So this is just an introduction to the concept of checking, am I in spouse mind or am I in parent mind? And it is something I work with almost every single one of my clients on because it comes up at different times for different people. And at different phases and stages of the divorce process and through co parenting.
[00:16:47] Sometimes it can be hard to tell which brain we're operating from, and that's when Coaching can be super, super helpful because our goal is again to help our kids navigate this major change in their life in a way where they feel supported and secure and loved the whole way through. Doesn't mean it won't be uncomfortable at times, it doesn't mean it won't be challenging, but our goal is that they retain the attachment and the relationships and the security.
[00:17:21] And so that they need to continue doing their beautiful development and growth that they are supposed to be doing during these years. Alright, I hope that's helpful, y'all. I would love to hear how you apply this idea of spouse brain versus parent brain. Come find me on Instagram and say hello, I'm at Meg Gluckman, and otherwise, I will catch you next time on the podcast.
[00:17:49] Have a great week, y'all. Bye now.
Today we learn about shifting between the "spouse mind" and the "parent mind" in order to best support our kids.
Drawing from invaluable wisdom shared by Karen Bonnell (find her books here), I unpack the divorce emotional rollercoaster of resentment, blame, and grief you might experience WHILE striving to prioritize stability for your kiddos.
I’ll share examples of age-appropriate communication so that you can ensure kids feel safe and supported during turbulent times.
Discover how to shift gears from blaming to nurturing, fostering resilient relationships and empowering every step of the way. Tune in and embrace the transformative power of the spouse-parent mindset shift.
