126: Divorce Support Groups for Men with Erich Henninger
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(UNEDITED)
Ep. 126 Erich HenningerMeg: Welcome back to the podcast everyone. I am thrilled to be here with a new guest. I've got Eric Henninger here from Mine Brook Therapy. Thanks for joining me today, Eric. Thank you for
Erich: having me, Meg. I appreciate it.
Meg: Eric is just over the water from me. He's in Seattle, and has a individual and couples therapy practice.
Why don't you tell us a little bit about, how you got into therapy, Eric, because I know I know it's a good story.
Erich: Yeah, it's a good story and it's related probably what we're gonna talk about a little bit, I was going through separation, divorce, and I guess the way I say it's kind of blew my life up a little bit, in that I could chuckle now wasn't a, it wasn't chuckling back then, but I can laugh a little bit now, which helps.
But yeah, I think being a therapist was kind of a calling that was always there. I had different careers beforehand, but I think going through the divorce. And really kind [00:01:00] of doing a gut check on what next, what am I gonna do next? I was in therapy at the time. I was in a, a men's group at the time, and it just kind of popped to me that I talked to the facilitator.
I said, I'm kind of thinking about going back to grad school and becoming a therapist. What do you think? And he said, yeah, I think you have the aptitude. So I just went on the path, found a school that was local in Seattle. It was really a turbulent dynamic time for me. But I don't think I would've gone to grad school and changed my career if I didn't go through a divorce.
Meg: Yeah.
Erich: The lived experience. Lived experience, the shake up of it all. I think we both see that with so many of our clients that it's a fork in the road for a lot of people.
A chance to really reevaluate what's important to me.
Meg: what do I wanna spend my time on, my energy on.
Erich: Yeah.
Meg: That is a theme in the group itself is that, besides the process, the trauma, the [00:02:00] grief, everything, there is this opportunity, like you said, this fork in the road. it is there if you want to take it,So you just dropped the little hint about the group, and this is what I brought Eric on y'all, to talk about is that he runs, divorce support groups, for men navigating divorce. Will you tell us some about the group?
Erich: Yeah, I've been doing the group pretty much from when I started my private practice.
A question comes up, like, why start it? I think it comes, from that experience, like when I was going through divorce, didn't have family, all my family was outta state, lost a lot of support and friends, which is a theme too. That's very common. Lost my in-laws, lost that side of the family and just felt super alone.
And I think from that experience, which was very difficult, when I went to grad school and became a therapist, I said to myself, I think I want to start a men's divorce group, 'cause it was so needed. I needed it so much. [00:03:00] So I was like, let's do this. It caught on fairly quickly. I think the needs there and so it took off. I love the work. I love working with the men that I work with.
Meg: Can you describe a little bit for us the format? Most folks probably have never experienced a support group. That's a good question. I study psychoanalysis and so I take the frame of psycho analytical, group therapy.
Erich: And in that, the frame that I build is basically everyone has a check-in every week. And the check-in is what happened during the previous week. That was a challenge or something that was hopeful, and so everyone checks in and that way everyone is heard and validated. And from that people bring in their own experiences from what someone else said they relate and we kind of get going, And so sometimes the challenge is making sure everyone has enough time in that frame to check in, because sometimes we're off to the races with someone's check-in and [00:04:00] then there's four people like, oh yeah that was my experience, let me tell you this. So that's where I come in to kind of facilitate the frame and make sure that people are checking in and that we have enough time for everyone. But I love that format because I think it brings in the here and now to everyone's experience, but also it ties into such like there and then the patterns of what has happened even before divorce.
It seems to work pretty well. Sometimes I will create a prompt that I let everyone know beforehand. Like, here's a prompt. and I want you all to marinate on that a little bit. And then let's come in with our check-in. What stirs with you with that prompt? That's usually coming from like a previous, group session that we started touching on, but we didn't really get to it.
Meg: But I thought it was really important.
Erich: Can you share an example?
Meg: Yeah, actually, I literally just prompted my Thursday group. I prompted this because I think we've built a pretty safe container to think about a certain behavior that you [00:05:00] brought to the relationship or marriage that was before the relationship, like something that was related to maybe a core pain, something that was related to your own story that you brought to the relationship. That's a pretty vulnerable prompt because I think it gets into something really deep. But I think that prompt is for this group who's been together for a while.
Erich: I think they're ready to get into that a little bit.
Meg: It does sound like a deep prompt, and I think some folks might be thinking, oh, a divorce support group is, we come together and we talk about the logistics of divorce. But what you're really getting to is we're talking about our personal experience
Erich: Yes.
Of divorce. What is this feel like? What are we struggling with? This is not, really the nuts and bolts of, how to, divide up assets or something like that. This is how are you navigating this huge change in your life.
Meg: Very much so. legalities [00:06:00] financial, that comes up sometimes because that stirs.
Erich: Like with, let's say, something that prompted with that prompt the week before, like, oh, really got into a shouting match with my ex around co-parenting. Or like legalities or, what have you. But if you peel back the layer underneath that, there's a lot of things that are going on underneath.
Meg: That's what we try to get to. Mm-hmm. And so that's what's important. I think for the group. and it's interesting because I think there is that dynamic, especially initially people want to talk more about legalities and finances and everything. and that's okay. But as my job, I'm trying to facilitate,
Erich: okay. Well what's also underneath the hood there, like what's going on for you around this? Yeah. Is it around control? Is it around power? Is it around equality? Reciprocity. so that's important. important dynamics.
Meg: Why do you think folks wanna start with that stuff? The logistics?
It's easy.
Erich: It's easy.
Meg: It's not easy. It's very difficult and I think. [00:07:00] It's on the surface and it, and I think with divorce it's so complex and it's so traumatic that you, you are literally dealing with this gut wrench and emotional experience, but then also you have this obligation around finances and co-parenting and legalities that you have to deal with that.
Erich: And then there's this old other thing that you're trying to deal with as well, and it's very, very overwhelming. But I think why people start, especially, I think males typically. Males can talk about money, they can talk about legalities. It's like surface level. It's very important to go deeper.
Meg: That takes a little bit more trust. That takes obviously more vulnerability. So that has to be kind of a process to build up to that. Yeah. tell me a little bit about the folks who find your group and start participating. What do they say they're looking for? Where are they in their divorce [00:08:00] process?
Erich: Yeah, that's a great question. There's members that come to the group that are in all different stages. Like there's people that come that are they're separating or they're in the process of separating. Some are co nesting, some are two years post-divorce.
Meg: So I think that's a, richness that's really helpful for the group dynamic. But I think overall people are coming to the group and I've starting to survey members and one thing that comes up is I'm feeling super isolated. I'm very alone and I need something to go to. I can't talk to my parents.
Erich: I can't really talk to friends who have not been there, or they don't know what to say. They feel a strong sense of isolation that draws 'em, which can be really dangerous, especially for a lot of men with suicide rates being where they're at. so I think isolation, trying to decrease isolation is a big part of it and just a place to be heard and seen,and to have a shared [00:09:00] experience that people get what you're going through. Like just that is so therapeutic for a lot of people that they have that validation by just being heard. Lot of guys that have come in too, they've never had therapy before or never had group therapy. So I think group therapy, what's interesting, I think it offers, someone can move at their own pace in a group therapy, which is a little less daunting and intimidating than a one-on-one individual frame with the therapist. They know they need therapy. They're not sure about it. Group therapy might be a dynamic that they can ease into it. I hear that too, is a factor why people start with the support group.
Meg: It would seem to me it is a little less pressure on you to come and speak for an hour, right?
Erich: Absolutely. Therapist is asking you questions, but if you have, a bunch of people in the room, it's gonna go around. [00:10:00] You get to be a listener, you get to share, what feels good to you to share.
Meg: And I love that dynamic and when it happens, 'cause it happens with every group, there's a few talkers, few people that are kind of sitting and listening.
Erich: And then when that person that's kind of sitting and listening, that moment when there's a comfort and there's a trust. That they start really leaning in. Like it definitely a moment that not just myself, but the group like realizes how important that is that that person steps into that mode, which in sometimes is probably the first time in a long time they've ever done that.
Meg: And it's pretty special when that happens.
Erich: What are some common,
Meg: I don't wanna say experiences because clearly like divorce, there's of course like going through the legality side or dealing with financials. There's gonna be a lot of common experiences 'cause we have to kind of check the same boxes. But thinking about maybe more on the emotional side or the relational [00:11:00] side what do you see as some of the common experiences that folks have in the group?
Erich: Yeah, that's a great question. Yeah. I would say, these are themes that come up and one is we've kind of coined it as, the loss of the dream.
Meg: Yeah.
Erich: it's the grieving of the dream's. It's not just the relationship, but so much of, I would say, part of that identity, purpose, connecting to like certain values to that's gone.
Meg: it's like envisioning the dream from marriage all the way to retirement, that whole process, kids, that loss. I think that's what I find is, that's one of the biggest themes around grief that comes up is this loss of the dream.
Erich: I think that is more impactful for people that is there is more like hard grief around that sometimes than the loss of the relationship. Mm-hmm. It's that [00:12:00] dream, and I think that has to connect to in part. the person's identity. For a lot of men, and this gets to another theme, a lot of men in the group, they put so much into that dream and sometimes they didn't realize like what were their authentic needs around that.
Meg: It was kind of a path that they took. And so that's another theme is. Reforing identity. what are your values? What are your needs? who are you? What do you want? And I think that sometimes is beautiful work too, but really challenging. I think it interconnects with that grief of the dream, of the loss of the dream.
Erich: Yeah. how do they talk about that? Like I, I'm guessing they don't come in and say. I'm grieving the loss of the dream.
Meg: Yeah, no,
Erich: I mean that's, that the language that we can share with them. Yeah. but how are they talking about it?
Yeah. That's a beautiful question.
Meg: I think that's part of my job is framing it.
Framing what's stirring, [00:13:00] what's happening, what are the interconnections of these stories and these experiences. But I think they start talking about. Like I really thought we would retire together.
Erich: I really thought I would be going to my daughter's wedding with my wife. It's like future tripping. Yeah. And grieving the future tripping. And then that's kind of connecting together of this, oh yeah. There's this experiences that I really was planning for and I expecting and really wanting in my life.
Meg: These experiences that they realize they're not going to have. And so they kind of put that together and then they realize how much they put, like how much that motivated them to try to have those experiences occur.
Erich: yeah. And especially I think too, either because.
Meg: they saw other people in their lives have those experiences. Maybe they remembered their parents at their wedding Yes.
Erich: Or they didn't, [00:14:00] and so really wanted it to be different Yes. Themselves. It's like either way. Right. We were really envisioning. Yeah. And I think it's the kind of thing that we don't really talk about very much.
Meg: . how we live into the future, how we do daydream about that kind of stuff?
Erich: Yeah.
Meg: or how we might be thinking. Okay. Financially, I'm working really hard to set us up so that when we get to retirement, we can have this kind of lifestyle or that we're gonna be able to chip in for college for the kids.
Erich: I'm committed to, Um, earning a certain amount so that I can do this and provide for my family. Right?
Meg: Yes.
Erich: Yeah.
Meg: Yeah. Great. Take that. It, it's complicated 'cause you come from an experience that you didn't have that, let's say growing up.
Erich: And you really wanted it, which was, in my case for sure, my personal experience or you're trying to live up to a certain lifestyle or a certain experience that you know, your parents or other people. And it's interesting 'cause you bring up a really good point, [00:15:00] Meg. I think the challenge is if we future trip too much, we lose what's happening in the present, right?
Meg: In the relationship, what's going on with the core. It's a challenge and it's complex because when we future trip too much, we're also losing track of what's happening to the day to day, what's happening with the relationships, what's happening with my kids. I mean, engagement of a father, right?
Erich: I want to be a provider, so I'm thinking about the future and the dream, but then. your kids need you now too. Very much so. So it's very, complicated and it's interconnected, but that grief is definitely, the grief of the dream is a big thing that comes up quite often.
Meg: Yeah. Talk to me a little bit about the parenting side.
Erich: What are some themes around parenting that come up?
Meg: Well, A lot of it is anger and blame and that's kind of, initially, that's what's on the [00:16:00] surface.
Erich: but as we get into a little bit more, understanding our own story before the marriage relationship happens. Like what was our relationship with our parents, with our father and how that impacts what we want in the relationship with our children.
Meg: One of the themes that comes up is just navigating co-parenting, like the power dynamics, control, alienation, comes up, triangulation comes up and it's difficult because, a good number of the guys that are in the groups, they want to see their children more.
Erich: And there's challenges to that and what I see, as an individual therapist too, working with, definitely a lot of men, not primarily men, but definitely a lot of men, is there's a natural tendency to drift away, to disengage. And so how important in co-parenting, especially in the stages of divorce, it's important even if you're not seeing your children as much as you want, [00:17:00] still to continue to make bids towards them.
Meg: To make sure that you're there, especially if they're teenagers and they're going through their own developmentally to like pull away. It's how important it's to stay engaged with your children and have those bids of engagement. Mm-hmm. I think it's crucial. It's hard though, like they're like, you hear it, I don't see my kids enough and they don't really want talk to me.
Erich: They're still angry at me and like I'm just feel like giving up. I just feel like I want to just like leave and. And I can feel that pain and it's real and it's very real and it's definitely felt with a lot of other members and it's the idea of like, I know it hurts, but continue to make bids and engage your kids because those dotted lines, they are going to matter, when they get older, they are going to come back to you. If those bids are in place, they will come back to you. Yeah.
Meg: Yeah. Can you define or explain a little bit more about what you mean by bids?
Erich: Yeah, that's a good one.
Meg: It's such [00:18:00] a good term. I think bids are like, I tell, send a photo, text a photo to your kids, send 'em a song that you just listened to.
Erich: I think a bid is like, it's basically saying I'm here. I think also something around self-reflection is helpful too, of like, this is me. I'm your dad, but I'm also human. Here I am. So it's continually making these outreaches to show that you're there.
Because, I mean, the studies show. Even if you are gonna disengage as a father, it's gonna be so difficult for you to recoup and repair.
Meg: Mm-hmm.
Erich: So the bids themselves are just letting them know that I'm here, I'm thinking about you. I love you, and when we can, we will come back together.
That's kind of what I mean by bids.
Meg: Mm-hmm. Yeah. The way that I often describe it is you want it to be so clear, and I mean, I'm really talking about tweens and teens. Yeah. [00:19:00] As we're discussing this stuff and young adults, right? So even if you got an 18 to a a 25-year-old, still the same kind of thing, right?
Erich: That you want it to be so clear to them that the door is open
Meg: Yes.
Erich: To having more of a relationship with you. there's no hesitation in their mind that if they texted you and said. You know, let's meet at Starbucks and have a coffee. Like you would be there in a heartbeat. Yes. Yeah. , And that they have so many opportunities to connect and, and that the work that we have to do as parents is to disconnect from the disappointment.
Meg: So as you make these bids, as you keep showing them, the door is open. The door is open. Yeah. And they don't respond. Yeah. Checking our story that we're making up about it. Yes. and balancing it and just saying, I just want you to know it's still here. Yes. You know, I'm still open.
Erich: and I really like what you're saying around self-reflection [00:20:00] too, because, I've seen a lot of folks benefit from. especially if it was a really sudden or a very hard, separation, maybe there was infidelity or, there was a lot of anger or conflict in the house. Even doing some like parent teen mediation, right.
Meg: Where
Erich: Yep. Yep.
Meg: The, you're sitting there and you're willing to hear whatever that teen wants to say can be super powerful. so yeah, dropping those seeds of self-reflection can help.
Erich: Yes.
Meg: Lay, lay the path for it. Mm-hmm.
Erich: I think it's really important that it, you don't want to parenty, especially teens, right?
Meg: Mm-hmm. And young adults. 'cause that's just not helpful. It can be harmful, but you wanna let 'em know that you're human too, right? And there's a balance there, and I think that's where self-reflection helps. and I think that makes an impact with trying to create that repair that needs to happen. If there was conflict, if there was a, [00:21:00] a lot of anger and , with the divorce.
Erich: Yeah. I love what you said. I think the bid is it metaphorically, it's kinda like, your child, your teenager is pissed off at you and they storm off and they go to their room. And they don't wanna be heard or seen. It's like the bid is like you knocking on the door saying, when you're ready come out we'll talk. That's kind of what that bid is. And the teenager definitely wants you to knock on the door.
Meg: Absolutely.
They don't want you to leave. That's right. No matter how annoyed they may seem.
Yes
Erich: they
Meg: want that knock.
Erich: I love that. I love that. I've quoted her many times on this podcast and in my newsletter, but my teen whisper that I always go to is Dr.
Lisa Damour. and she's written, a couple of different books, the Emotional Lives of Teenagers and, untangled about, tween and teen Girls, and she uses so many good analogies, but one of my favorites is that teens, like their job is to [00:22:00] be the cows in the field that break the fence. And our job is to keep mending the fence. Yes. that's it. We just keep showing up and we fix the fence. Yes. And, they're not gonna thank us or appreciate us for fixing the fence, but they're doing their thing. They're processing their big emotions. Yes. They're differentiating themselves from us. They're, focused much more on their peer group than on us.
Yes.
Meg: Our job is to just keep showing up and fixing the fence.
I love that.
Yeah.
I might use that too. I'll give credit. Okay. That's a good one.
Yeah.
Erich: And what's great about that? They need to see us fixing the fence because someday they're gonna have to fix their own fence.
And they need that modeling. That's that whole boundary. They need to push up against that because they need to be able to do it themselves someday.
Yeah.
It's really important. Yeah. Yeah,
Meg: yeah. Talk to me a little bit about shame. [00:23:00]
Erich: Ugh.
Meg: and how you see shame coming up. I think that because of how we've been socialized and, all our systems of oppression in different ways here, patriarchy, white supremacy, racism,
women and men, tend to feel shame in different ways or different things trigger it. And I'm curious in general, what you see, where does shame come up for the men in your groups?
Erich: Oh, yeah, that's a, that's a big part of the dynamic of the group. we could have a whole podcast on that alone.
I personally feel if we talk about therapy and shame, I don't think there is a better, more effective therapy to deal with shame than group therapy. Mm, if you look at shame itself, it's a social construct, right? It's created socially that's internalized. And so how to release shame is that you socially give it light and air.[00:24:00]
And so a group, especially a group of men that have a lot of shame around emotional expression, around not being good enough, all these scripts that come alive, these shame scripts. When you're able to build trust in a container, You can slowly release that grip of shame. So I feel like that is definitely a, a therapeutic factor in the group is able to get to a point of having trust and then start bringing into the circle what we brought to the dance, which is a big another theme is what did we bring to this relationship that.
Was already in us, but really kind of cultivated and started to really grow in us. And so those are some of the themes and some of the things that are really important to talk about in the group. And a lot of that is shame-based. So when we're able to talk about it in the group, it's released, the grip just loosens.
And that's pretty magical and impactful to see .
Mm-hmm.
That's a big one. I [00:25:00] think another theme I like to call is like, we're rebuilding the playground. and what that means is , for a lot of identified males, we have the same emotions, the same workings, emotionally, our hearts.
That all other genders, all other, humans have, but , typically, that kind of gets stymied and cultured to be repressed when we're on the playground. That's why I say playground. Yeah. Like you go to the playground, you start going to the school, and all of a sudden you have stressful emotions.
If you're scared or sad, it's not good to express that you're gonna be labeled. So this in itself is being able to express those emotions is kind of rebuilding that playground that you're safe. It's okay to cry in group, to get mad, to be scared. and that's part of, I think what's really important too, and a lot of that is around shame of feeling.
I'm upset or I'm sad, or I feel weak. and to talk about that, [00:26:00] to express that, express those emotions and those emotional states. I like that term of rebuilding the playground and I think you can do that in a group setting.
That's such a beautiful analogy.
I just love the image of it, right? Yeah. Because you can totally imagine, oh, that was the playground I played on and I'm rebuilding something totally different. Mm-hmm. And then how it ties exactly to that age. Yes. Right? Yes. That mid to upper elementary school when you're really being taught like, don't show weakness.
Meg: Don't be sad. Anger is acceptable or happiness is acceptable. Mm-hmm. And those are your choices? Yes. .
Yeah.
What do you think, are the reasons that a guy would hesitate to sign up for the group? They're thinking about divorce or they're in the midst of it and things are hard and they don't feel like they have anybody to talk to about it.
they don't like where their [00:27:00] relationship's going with their kids. Maybe. I mean, not that they have to have kids. 'cause I'm sure you have lots of guys that don't have kids, but, mm-hmm. what do you think the hurdles are
for them
signing up?
Yeah, that's a really good question. I think some might feel it's just another obligation.
It's just another thing that they have to do, and they're already feeling overwhelmed with everything that is happening. Like kind of what we talked about, the legalities, the finances, the co-parenting that some might feel, here's another thing that I'm supposed to do. So they feel kind of the should.
That comes in and which can lead back to shame. Like, okay,I'm needing to do this, but I do, I really want to, I think that comes up. I think also,it's very foreign for some, like the idea of a group therapy, what does that mean? Like I've never sat with, other than watching a game or sitting down with a, with a group of strangers.
And here we're [00:28:00] supposed to be talking about very intimate and vulnerable things. It could be too much for people. And that sometimes that happens even when someone starts the group.
Mm-hmm.
They get into the group, and especially if they're a new member coming into an existing group, they see some of the vulnerability.
They see some of the intimacy and. It could be too much. It's not that they dislike it. It just like, I don't know if I can handle this right now. Yeah. Like it's, it's too emotional. It's too overpowering for me. So that sometimes happens with members that come in and then, you know, two or three, you know, group meetings.
they come to me and they email me like, I really think this is awesome, but I just, I'm kind of overwhelmed right now. I can't see straight, and it's hard for me to like focus on something like this. Mm-hmm. So it's also timing. I think I look at that with adding members, not just like where they're at in the stage, but like how they are emotionally, how raw they are.
sometimes when you're so raw, [00:29:00] it's hard to step into something like this, but it could be so impactful too.
Yeah. What it brings up for me too is just like, you won't know necessarily until you give it a try.
Yes.
And it might be the perfect timing and it might not quite be the perfect timing. And if it's not, it doesn't mean it, it won't ever be helpful. It just might mean. You need a little time and then come back and try it again.
Really good point. And that's what I do. I tell people, come try it out.
and I've seen it go both sides, Meg. I've seen people like come in, I've talked to 'em like, I don't know Eric, like maybe I said, well come, and then they go and they send me an email and they're like, oh my God, thank you, thank you, Thank you. and also the other way.
So I think that's a really good point. You don't know until you come in.
Yeah. And
see what it's like.
Yeah. And for everybody that comes in the first time, it's gonna be a little [00:30:00] scary. You gotta be a little bit brave and a little bit vulnerable to to a group of strangers.
And even if you're just sitting there and listening,it's a really experience, right?
Mm-hmm.
Erich: So knowing that everybody feels that way
Meg: Yes.
Coming in right?
Yes.
Yes. That it's just, it's really a brand new experience and it's normal to feel. Awkward. And I,
I feel awkward. And I let them know, like a new group or new member.
It's like I let 'em know I'm, I'm fairly relational in how I approach my, my frame and I'm, I'll let them know too. I'm, this is kinda awkward for me too, this is always awkward, like the newness, comes into play. I think the shared experience of divorce too is very helpful because again.
Many, many of them have not really had. Deep conversations or even heard conversations around divorce. and so that's very attractive and [00:31:00] okay, this is something I didn't know I really needed, but, oh man, this feels really good to feel kind of a connection. So I think also divorce and just kind of feeling that get, getting back to that isolation, them feeling what's happening in the group for the first time really stirs something in them.
Erich: Yeah.
It's just so helpful to be around other people who get what you're going through and
who maybe are even, a couple steps down the path. Mm-hmm. and just the possibility that it could make things lighter for you.
Yes. Yes. It could make things easier that, yes. Everybody can be very overwhelmed by everything. Yes. And this might be one of those things that actually helps make things feel less overwhelming.
Yeah. I love that. The lightness.
I think it does add a lightness. 'cause go in heavier and you feel, you feel that lightness afterwards that you're not alone in it.
So if we have, swayed [00:32:00] some listeners here, that are convinced that now they wanna reach out and give this a try, Eric, what's the best way to find out about your group?
Yeah, the best way is go to my website. there is a landing page for the divorce group.
Fill out the form and. And right now, like I'm doing two groups Wednesdays and Thursday nights. I'm considering doing a third, just completely online group, which would probably be midday. But fill out that form. You'll be contacted if you want to talk, I have a video conference to talk about the group a little bit more.
And what's your website?
Meg: It's MindBrookTherapy.com
Awesome. Okay. And we will put a link to it in the show notes too. thank you so much, Eric for helping us get the word out that this is a real option for folks both in person in Seattle right now or online shortly. That's right.
Thank
you. All right, y'all. That's what we have for you today, and I will talk to you next [00:33:00] time.
Erich: Bye now.
One of the hardest parts of divorce is how alone it can feel. Your friends are still in their marriages. Your family lives far away, or they don't quite know what to say. You're navigating something enormous, and it seems like no one in your life is going through it at the same time.
I sat down with Erich Henninger, a Seattle therapist who runs divorce support groups specifically for men. Erich was going through his own divorce when he joined a support group — and it was so transformative that it set him on the path to becoming a therapist. Years later, he now runs the kind of group that helped him: a space where men can actually be heard, and where the isolation starts to lift.
In our conversation, we get into a lot of what actually comes up in those rooms. Erich shares the format of the group and how a simple weekly check-in becomes the foundation for real trust and connection. We talk about how common it is for men to arrive wanting to talk about legalities and finances — and how his job is gently helping them see what's underneath: control, power, fear, grief. We also dig into co-parenting, and how to stay engaged with your kids even when they're pulling away or still angry about the divorce.
Here's more of what we cover in this episode:
"The loss of the dream" — grieving the future you thought you'd have
How group therapy is uniquely powerful for releasing shame
Erich's "rebuilding the playground" metaphor for reclaiming the emotions men were taught to hide
Why bids matter even when your tween/teen doesn't respond
What usually keeps men from signing up — and what happens when they do
Divorce can feel so solitary, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Finding even one space where someone truly gets what you're going through can change everything.
P.S. Erich runs two men's divorce support groups out of Seattle (Wednesday and Thursday evenings), with a midday online group launching soon. He offers a free consultation — no pressure, no commitment. Learn more at mindbrooktherapy.com.
P.P.S. Two books came up in our conversation that I always recommend for parenting tweens and teens: Dr. Lisa Damour's The Emotional Lives of Teenagers and Untangled. Both worth having on your shelf.
