The Hiking Trail Nobody Signed Up For (But Here We Are)

I went hiking over the holiday break with a friend and her dog—a husky mix convinced he was born to be a sled dog.

The leash was around my friend's waist, and this dog was PULLING her up the mountain. She's half-jogging, trying to keep her balance. The dog? Living his best life.

I'm bringing up the rear, breathing hard, thinking about divorce.

(This is what my brain does on hikes.)

Different paces. One person wants to sprint to the finish line. Another needs to catch their breath. 

The other day, an attorney friend told me about a client beside herself about how long her divorce was taking. "Why is this taking so long?!"

Here's the reality: There are SO many things that can slow down a divorce. Some you control. Some you don't. 

What Actually Slows Down Divorce

• Emotional processing at different speeds. One person has been thinking about divorce for two years. The other found out last month. You can't force someone to emotionally catch up.

• Long periods between meetings. Meeting every 4-8 weeks means every session starts with "where were we?"

• Not understanding what you need. Your expenses, budget, income. People nod along, agreeing to support numbers, only to realize later they can't live on it.

• Trying to invent everything from scratch. Look, I get it—professionals cost money. But trying to divide a 401k using ChatGPT is like learning surgery from YouTube. An attorney, mediator, or financial neutral has seen hundreds of divorces. They know what you're going to miss before you miss it. They know which agreements sound good on paper but fall apart six months later. Consulting with professionals isn't about being incapable—it's about not having to reinvent the wheel when someone's already built a perfectly good wheel.

• Introducing a new partner. Nothing slows negotiations faster. Suddenly, you're dealing with another wave of emotional processing. And introducing them to your kids while finalizing adivorce? Complicates everything. (Check out the first three chapters of the Stepfamily Handbook by Karen Bonnell and Patricia Papernow.)

• Life happens. Aging parents, sick kids, layoffs, financial stress.

• Not being transparent. Hiding assets means everything grinds to a halt.

• Conflict and antagonistic communication. Every snarky text adds time.

• Rushing to "just get through it." People agree to things that don't work because they're desperate to be DONE. Six months later, they're back because the parenting plan is a disaster.

• Not dotting i's and crossing t's. You draft a settlement that includes refinancing the house. Nobody checked with a Certified Divorce Lending Professional to make sure the language will work for the lender...and it won't. Now you're redrafting.

The Reality Nobody Mentions

One person might need to go slow because they're still processing. That's human.

The other person might need to move forward because limbo is making them crazy. That's also human.

Both feelings are valid. Both are incredibly frustrating.

What You Can Do

The process takes as long as it takes. There are factors you control and factors you don't.

You can't control:

• How fast your spouse processes emotions

• Your attorneys' or mediator's schedule

• Life throwing curveballs

You CAN control:

• Understanding your own finances and needs

• How often you schedule meetings

• Whether you're transparent with information

• How you communicate

• Whether you get support

The question isn't "how do I speed them up" or "why is this taking so long."

The question is: What do I need to do next with what I actually have control over?

Maybe that's meeting with a financial professional, scheduling regular sessions, being honest about what you don't understand, getting support, doing your own emotional processing work, or being transparent even if they're not.

I talked about this more in Episode #119—the emotional pacing of divorce and what happens when people are moving at different speeds. Listen here: https://www.meggluckman.com/podcast/119

 The divorce will take as long as it takes. Some of that's in your control. A lot of it isn't.

But you get to keep moving forward on the things that ARE in your control. Even at a different pace than you planned. Even if some days you're the husky and some days, you're just trying to catch your breath.