118: Celebrating Mother's/Father's Day While Co-Parenting with Mikki Gardner
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(Unedited Transcript)
[00:00:00] Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the podcast. I am thrilled today to have a guest on with me. I've got Mikki Gardner. Welcome to the podcast. Hi, Meg. I'm so excited to be here. This is going to be fun. So fun. As you all know, sometimes I like to bring [00:01:00] another coach on and Mikki is a certified life and conscious parenting coach. she's also the host of The co parenting with confidence podcast and she's the best selling author of the people pleasers guide to co parenting. Well, that's a mouthful people. How many times have you seen that fast what is that nursery rhyme? Peter picked a peck of peppers or something like that when we are doing it.
[00:01:26] He's like, okay, you're going to have to get really good at that. So I'm glad you said it. That's so good. We wanted to come on today and talk to you all about some holiday stuff that's coming up.
[00:01:43] But before we jump into talking about what I want to talk about, I would love Mikki for you to give us a little background on how you got involved in this work, why you're passionate about helping co parents. Oh, yeah. Well, thank you for having me. And I'm excited to talk [00:02:00] about this with you. And I think, you know, if I'm totally transparent.
[00:02:05] I came to this because I needed to learn it myself. I am divorced. I've been divorced. I can't even believe it. It's been about 10 years. My son was three when we separated and four when we divorced. He's now 14. I like a man child and towers over me. That's a whole new experience. I really had prided myself on looking back, you know, I was a little bit of a perfectionist, I'm a recovering perfectionist now, and people pleaser, hence the name of the book, but I had done everything I thought you were supposed to do, so that you had a happy life.
[00:02:41] I had gone to college. I had a successful career. I had my own business. I've always been an entrepreneur. It's at heart. I went through a number of sort of relationships and then settled on one and we got married and we had a kid and we had the house and he had his restaurant and, you know, I did all the things.
[00:02:59] [00:03:00] And then suddenly, in what felt like an instant, looking back, it wasn't, but that moment felt like everything I thought I knew about my marriage was incorrect and everything I believed about my life was now in question. And that set me on a path that I was not prepared for. I would love to tell you that I just skated through that with grace and calm and was amazing.
[00:03:29] Was a train wreck. I was a control freak and I went into doing what I do best, which is control and damage control. I was an event planner at the time, right? So I did huge weddings, million dollar weddings, travel, took people all over the place. I was really good at controlling. The uncontrollable.
[00:03:51] Sort of seeing what was coming and how to get around it. But this time I hadn't seen it coming and I didn't know how to get around it. [00:04:00] And so what was even worse for me besides the personal devastation of you know, that kind of betrayal and loss was now the loss of what I had always thought I would give my son, which is what I had.
[00:04:17] My parents just celebrated 65 years. Now, is that even possible? 55 years. Maybe, I don't know, something outrageous, right? My grandparents were married over 70 years, so this wasn't something in my family that happened. And so I had a lot of shame around it, but I had so much just.
[00:04:40] really intense loss and devastation and disappointment around what I was doing to my son as I saw it. And it took me a couple of years to really get to another breaking point, which I talk about in the book. Where I realized that everything I was trying to do and control and fix [00:05:00] and make perfect for him, I was actually doing the opposite and I was making him feel broken by trying to constantly fix everything.
[00:05:08] And when you have your little five year old look you in the eye and tell you while you're at the 15th millionth doctor visit, Mama, I don't think I'm broken. It's a mirror that isn't pleasant to have someone hold up. And I think that was really the unraveling for me is when he was able to put words to how I was feeling.
[00:05:29] And that, I resisted, still, yet still, I'm very stubborn, so I still resisted. But then I started to step into more of a healing journey. And started to learn through therapy, through coaching, how to really understand what was going on for me. how to learn to feel my feeling learning what I have control over and what I don't.
[00:05:55] I'm still learning that every day because I still don't agree or like it. I would just [00:06:00] feel much better if everyone would just listen to me and do what I said. Life would be so much easier. I say that in jest, but that was really, The path that brought me to where I am. It ended up being the catalyst that I needed to learn how to change and transform.
[00:06:16] And I'm so, so grateful every day for the way that things went, even the hard parts, but you can only come to that kind of clarity and gratitude for the pain, when we're actually able to do the work and get there. And so that is why I'm doing what I do now is to be a mentor. A confidant, a coach sort of that person that you need in your corner to say, keep going.
[00:06:44] Because I was just on a call with someone a few minutes ago. And it's like, I talk about, I have sort of three A's that I, that I talk about the framework for how we should move forward. But there's a fourth one. And it really is [00:07:00] accountability. We need that accountability, especially, I mean, divorce is one of those times when everything you thought you had is gone.
[00:07:09] It is a grieving process. There are so many emotions wrapped up in it. There's so many judgments and expectations and new rules. And we have to get, it's just literally every inch of your life changes. It's not just the relationship. And so learning how to navigate that, I think having a coach with you during that is one of the most profound shifts you can do.
[00:07:36] And so that's why I'm just so grateful that I get to do it every day, like you to walk the journey with somebody, because I wish I had had that. Me too. Me too. I resonate so much with your story and celebrating. that we can get to this place where even though it wasn't what we wanted, even though it [00:08:00] didn't go how we thought it was going to go, even though we can't control people like we really want to we, we can get to this place where we can love our lives again and 100 percent be thriving.
[00:08:13] And I love how you pointed out that learning to feel your feelings was a big piece of it. That was a huge piece for me as well, not making it wrong when we're feeling all the big feels, but just allowing them to be there allowing ourselves to experience it. And when we allow it, then we get to move through it like the only way through is through.
[00:08:40] Yeah, exactly. And you know, it's also then I think the amazing byproduct of that when we are able to start to do that more and more and more consistently, we then become the example. Yes. Of what is possible, but we become the example. We always are the [00:09:00] example for our children.
[00:09:01] What does it look like to be a mom, a mother, a partner, an ex, all the things. And for me, that's really the question that I come back to often is, Am I living the example of what I want him to look at? And that doesn't mean perfection, but that means learning how to feel my feelings, learning how to talk about that, learning how to resolve conflict, learning how to negotiate and compromise and co create.
[00:09:27] And when we're doing that, we offer our children such a different perspective. And I believe that's how we're going to shift the world is by the moms. Shifting how they show up in family, right? Being grounded, being strong, being loving, being unwavering, right? In all of these ways, that is how we are going to shift this world.
[00:09:50] And so I think we do it one household at a time. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. You all know that I'm like cheering here. I've got [00:10:00] my pom poms out with everything Mikki is saying. She can't see on a podcast. Just celebrating again, this, this time that we're in when this kind of help is available.
[00:10:11] I mean, for, for so many generations, right. There wasn't anybody to turn to when you're going through divorce. We don't have rituals around it. We don't have nourishing practices around it. And that's shifting the way that people are getting divorced is shifting. I actually had the privilege of going on Mikki's podcast and talking about all the different ways that folks can get divorced these days that are much more amicable, much more cooperative, collaborative, it's just things are really shifting and my hope and dream is that divorce loses this stigma.
[00:10:51] Right. It loses this failure stigma that goes along with it. And instead, we just see it as, okay, this is a big life [00:11:00] change. It always will be a big life change. But there doesn't have to be shame. There doesn't have to be a sense of failure. There's just okay, this is this is what's happening now. Let's get support and let's, let's move forward.
[00:11:14] Absolutely. And I think I 100 percent agree with you. And I think when we're able to do that, when we're able to sort of drop the shame and the stigma, what we're then able to do is put the attention where it needs to be, which is on creating a structure and a plan and a lifestyle for the children that is creating a whole family, not a fractured family.
[00:11:37] For us to do that. We also need parents to be in their wholeness. Right. And so that's why this work is so important to be able to do that so that you can create that home for your kids. And I also love just thinking of it as not a fractured childhood. They, they don't have two childhoods.
[00:11:57] They don't have one at one parent's house and one at the other, [00:12:00] right. They have one childhood and, and them being able to show up fully in both homes, , is so important. And a huge piece of that is how we take care of ourselves. So I think that segues really nicely into, we are recording this towards the end of April.
[00:12:18] And I was thinking about how Mother's Day and Father's Day are just around the corner and how that can be a challenging holiday for folks. It's, you know, we have this idea that it's the day when we get celebrated for being a parent and who's supposed to celebrate us. When we have little, little kids the unspoken, perhaps expectation is that the other parent celebrates us, right?
[00:12:49] Or if we have older kids, maybe the unspoken expectation is the other parent helps the kids celebrate us. So talk to me about [00:13:00] some of your thoughts about how to handle Mother's Day and Father's Day. When we're divorced, and perhaps there isn't celebration coming from the other parent.
[00:13:13] So I think this is one of those moments where it really comes down to expectations. And so really in advance, owning what are my expectations of this day? Like when you close your eyes and you think about it. And maybe you imagine your children coming in with a, you know, a breakfast tray with a beautiful flower vase on it and like a mimosa and some pancakes and it's quiet and the birds are chirping and all of these things.
[00:13:43] Okay, that's beautiful. But if you are divorced or separated and you're alone in your house with like, I'd love to say littles, but frankly, I'm going to throw my 14 year old in there. Okay. I can't because he's actually, he's, he's super sweet, [00:14:00] but you know, when, and it's not that they're not sweet, but right when, when we have the expectation that it should look like this, but then I'm living in this house and it looks like this and there's no one to do that.
[00:14:11] This is where all of the angst starts to come in. And then you might say, okay, Mikki, I know, I know I can't have what I want. And then I know I just have to accept whatever it is, but then you're sitting there and you're stewing on it. Yeah. And you're annoyed and you're thinking it's my ex that caused, you know, like you start to go down that road.
[00:14:31] Right. I love Brene Brown says that expectations are just resentments waiting to happen. Mm. And it could not be more true because the more we have expectations, and we're not paying attention to them or not being realistic about it, we become resentful. And when we're resentful, it really is because we believe there is someone in between ourselves and what we want.
[00:14:57] Mhm. And whoever is in [00:15:00] between. becomes the bearer of all of our resentments. Right. Right. Yeah. What I like to say is what we want to do is really sort of create the life that we want to live. We have to decide what does that look like?
[00:15:13] Who do I want to be? How do I want Mother's Day to go? And then ask yourself, how would I feel if I had that? Because that's really what you're after is the feeling. And then we can start to reverse engineer, well, how am I going to make sure that I actually feel that way? Even when I only have littles at home and they can't make pancakes or mimosas, right?
[00:15:36] Or nobody's going to like sleep in. How can you start to give yourself the feelings that you want in advance? Like, how can you let everybody off the hook from celebrating you, but you celebrate you? Like, what would that look like? Because oftentimes we're wanting the other person to do it, but really we're just wanting it.
[00:15:57] And so the person to start with is [00:16:00] you. So if you want, you know, you have to ask yourself about Mother's Day. Maybe you have the kids and you know, because a lot of times it gets written into divorce agreements that you have them on this day or that day, but what do you really want to do? Mother's Day for you might be a total day where you get a break.
[00:16:17] Or it might mean that you are bringing in other people. Or you just want to feel celebrated or you just want to have some fun and some laughs. Well, what are ways that I could do that? What are ways that I could create it., Loosen the grip on what it has to look like and go more for how do I want it to feel?
[00:16:36] Yeah, I love that. I also want to point out... The bringing awareness to like your pancakes and mimosa example. I think for a lot of folks, it's not just that. Oh, well, that's what I think I would really like. Like I would like that breakfast tray in bed, but it's that I would really like that without me having to ask for it.[00:17:00]
[00:17:00] Mm hmm. Because you with your 14 year old could totally make that request, and it could show up. . I mean, even me I have a 13 year old and a nine year old, I could make that request to my nine year old, and it would show up in some form. Yeah. But I think so often when it comes to these holidays.
[00:17:21] We just have this sense of like, I shouldn't have to ask for it. Like it doesn't have the same meaning if I have to ask. Yeah, and so I think just catching that. So good. Yes. And catching it, but also not letting yourself negate when they do, right?
[00:17:39] If you need to ask and say, Hey, that's actually a normal thing in relationship. It's a request. Hey, I would really love this. What we do is then we say that, and then the person does it in whatever form. And we're like, well, they only did it because I didn't, because I asked. So it doesn't really count.
[00:17:56] Right. But really instead, what we want to do is say, [00:18:00] Oh, I made a request and they met me there. Celebrate it. Yes. Oh, that's such a good point. That's such a good point because we just we miss out on it all then. Yes. Right. When we negate it like that. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:18:15] I'm just going to go into my personal personal practice around Mother's Day. . I have really I got into a place where I love asking friends and family to help. So often I will ask my sister, can you work with my kids to get the cards done? Or can you work with my kids to pick out a present to get me.
[00:18:37] Other folks are so happy to do that. Like that is what I have found my friends, my family, they are always so happy. They're like, of course. Right. That's fun. We get to be kind of secretive with the kids and we're going to figure out how to get this done. it's really sweet. And I ended up getting what exactly what I want.
[00:18:57] Well, exactly. Quote unquote. But yeah, [00:19:00] some celebration from the kids. The other thing I want to touch on is going back to what you were saying about the feelings and really deciding how I want to feel. Well, one of the things. that really lands for me is I want to feel appreciated and I want to feel
[00:19:17] seen. , and so a practice that I've gotten into is actually writing down, like doing a little journaling of my 10 best mom moments of the year. So like looking back and like, what do I want to celebrate of this year? And just writing that list, fills me with exactly that feeling.
[00:19:38] I'm like, dang, you were a bad ass mother. Yeah. Look what you have done. Like you had all these fun things and you figured out all these challenges and you showed up for your kids and you know, there were the cuddles and the laughter and the, the board games and like all of this kind of stuff like, dang girl, you are doing it.
[00:19:58] Oh, I love that. What a [00:20:00] good thing to do on Mother's Day, and you can involve other people in that, and you don't have to, but I love that you just do that for yourself. I'm going to take that one this year. I'm going to do that, because we forget the little victories. We totally do.
[00:20:13] We totally do. Another one that I do, oh, I'm, I'm opening up my door. I'm showing, you all now is essentially like inviting myself over to other people's homes . Reaching out to a dad that I know. Who I know is really good about celebrating his wife on Mother's Day and saying, can we join you for the Mother's Day celebration?
[00:20:33] Can you pull my kids in? Whether it's, you know, Mother's Day brunch or you know, doing a dinner or something like that. Can we come over too? And, you know, all the kids help make dinner or all the kids do that. I love doing that as well. I love that one, Meg. That is very, I, that's very progressive of you and I love that so much.
[00:20:53] I'm very good at inviting myself over to other people's homes. Yeah. I love that. I'm going to try that because [00:21:00] I actually just open up my doors like, woo, everybody come and then I'm like exhausted at the end of it. So I love this idea. Worst they can say is no, right? So. Yeah. Worst thing they can say. I also think that we can get a lot out of doing for others what we crave for ourselves as well.
[00:21:20] So if one thing that you really crave is feeling seen for how you show up as a parent, you know, maybe it's texting three friends on that day and telling them how you see them as a parent, what you admire about them, like that fills us up too. I want to celebrate these other parents that are important in my life and that I want them to know.
[00:21:46] how much I value and how their parenting impacts my life. Yeah, I love that. I actually have a stack of cards in my desk behind me that I send my girlfriend's Mother's Day cards and tell them, [00:22:00] you know, just how amazing they I think they are. Which I think is such a fun thing to do because I feel so good about it to be like, Look at these women, these badass women that I'm in like in relationship with all we're all doing it.
[00:22:14] I also want to touch on something that you just said. And I had written it down because I wanted to talk about this. One thing I found early on, , that came up, not just Mother's Day, , but Christmas, it kept coming up over and over and over, which was, and this is my people pleaser in me, where I would do everything
[00:22:34] for my ex. So I would invite them over. I would, you know, make sure that we had the perfect gift. I would make sure that he did the handwritten card. I would do all of the things in an attempt to get it in return. Yeah. And I wouldn't admit to this. Right? But I was like, if I do it, you know, this way, or if I say it this way, or if I do this, then he's [00:23:00] going to start reciprocating.
[00:23:01] Okay, spoiler alert. They don't. Right? Like, maybe some do. Not mine, right? And not the one, not my clients that I work with. That's people pleasing . When we're just showing up over giving, overdoing in the hopes of getting it in return. And what you get in return is a lot of anger, a lot of bitterness and a lot of resentment and a lot more muck to deal with.
[00:23:32] And so it really is to your point, it's like cleaning up your side of the street to say, what is it that I really want out of this day? And how am I going to find a way to a give it to myself? And B, show the people I love me or show the people that love me how I want to be treated. And that involves speaking up, right?
[00:23:56] And making requests and actually stating it. And [00:24:00] so it's so important to start to shift our perspective, right? From looking at like, everything is wrong. You know, it's never going to be a great Mother's Day or holiday because of, of our divorce and of the situation. Well, no, how can I make it even amazing?
[00:24:19] Right. How can I make it even better now and really focusing there. Because that is sort of like, once you do it in one place, you can start to do it everywhere in your life. And so I think these are those great opportunities to really look at. These days that I'm supposed to be celebrated, what do I want to do?
[00:24:37] How do I want to approach it? How do I want to feel? And then start to do that. It's taking full responsibility, taking full ownership for it. Yeah. Which is awesome because then you're in full control. Yeah. Awesome. I, completely echo what you said about giving gifts or celebrating someone else in hopes that they will [00:25:00] celebrate you.
[00:25:01] Like that took me years to figure out. So if you're listening, And you've done it for years. You're okay. You know, it, it can take time. But I want to share an experience that I had just this past year that I was like, Oh, something has really shifted now for me. I was at the post office with my kids.
[00:25:22] We were shipping a package and we're standing in line and they start talking about something. And they mentioned that that day was their step mom's birthday. And I had no idea it was her birthday and I asked them, Oh, you know, what do you guys have to celebrate? You know, did you make any presents? Do you make any cards?
[00:25:44] Oh, nothing, nothing, you know, did dad help you do something for her? No, no, maybe, you know, maybe we'll make a cake or something. And I was like, well, do you want to buy her a card? You know, in the post office, they've got like, yeah, I was like, do you guys want to get her a card [00:26:00] to celebrate? To give her and they're like, oh yeah, that would be nice.
[00:26:03] She'd really like that . And so we bought her a card and they like filled it out or Wrote a nice note in it while we were standing in line at the post office and I realized in that moment The reason I was doing it Was not in hopes that someday she would support like do the same back to me it was because this is a habit or a value That I want my kids to have.
[00:26:30] I want my kids to be in the habit of celebrating other people's birthday. Thinking of their family, thinking of their friends and doing something for them. And that's why I'm doing it. And it felt so clean, like so clean, so totally clear to me. I just wanted to celebrate that you can get to that place where there's nothing residual to it.
[00:26:55] There's no expectation of it. [00:27:00] Yeah.
[00:27:00] I think it's important to sort of step into that one more layer, because someone might be sort of sitting in their life thinking there is not a chance, a snowball's chance, you know, in H-E- Double Hockey Sticks, that we're going to get to that place where I have no residual. And I want to echo what you said, it is completely possible.
[00:27:19] I mean, even after betrayal, even after all of the things. I am now co parenting with the woman I never thought I could co parent with. Mm hmm. Let alone look at, let alone have a conversation with, and for me, it was really, it's like that act as if for a little bit. And that's when we have to really, again, decide who do I want to be?
[00:27:45] What is the life that I want to create for my children with the divorce? . And for me, it was. Not wanting to hold on to anger and the bitterness any longer because that had already robbed me of so many years , [00:28:00] I literally years and so for me it was Okay, I'm gonna, and I decided pretty quickly, like, I don't want to be that person.
[00:28:08] And I don't want to be contentious, and I want to figure out how to do this. And so I remember the day that I heard my son say her name for the first time. That was the day that it became real that like, oh, here we are, right? And we were walking along, and we had just gotten ice cream. And I was asking him, like, how was your week?
[00:28:29] You know, how was your time with your dad? And he's like, Oh, fine. We went to a picnic and then, and then I was like, Oh, okay. And what, you know, blah, blah. And he's like, yeah. And blank was there. And it was like, like time stood still. And it was this moment where I was like, I could easily throw the ice cream cone on the ground and have a complete meltdown.
[00:28:50] Or I can decide. This is one more person to love my child. Mm hmm. This is one more person to love and [00:29:00] protect him in this world. And it's my choice. So I grabbed very tightly onto my little ice cream cone and started licking furiously and said, "Oh, that's great." And then I proceeded to inhale the ice cream cone.
[00:29:16] So, and I say that because I didn't believe it. Yeah. For a very long time. I didn't feel that way for a very long time, but it was almost like a mantra that, okay, as far as it relates to him, it is one more person to love him. So how do I have to show up if I believe that that were true? And I think at least for me, and I know so many of my clients, it's like, we have to start somewhere and then start to step into it.
[00:29:46] How am I going to have to think to feel that way? How am I going to have to act to feel that way? Like, what are my beliefs going to have to be for me to feel that way? And really start to analyze all those things and work towards them. [00:30:00] And then one day you're standing in the post office and you're like, Oh snap, it's her birthday.
[00:30:05] Let's get something right. Clean without all of the muck around you. Yeah. But it takes, it takes some time, some ice cream cones. It takes some ice, ice cream cones and awareness of the ice cream cone situation to I think that's like the first big key, right to to recognize. Oh, I am activated. I am triggered right now by this.
[00:30:30] Oh, yeah. And I'm just feeling it in my body. And I'm going to keep moving my body. I'm going to keep licking my ice cream cone. I'm going to move through this, because that's all I can do in this moment. And I think that we underestimate the importance, though, of just noticing , okay, him mentioning her name has triggered me has activated me.
[00:30:53] Not a problem. Yeah. Right. Like I'm having strong feelings about this, [00:31:00] but nothing actually has to change right now. I'm just going to allow myself to feel these feelings. Yeah, and be prepared. I mean, it wasn't as if I didn't know that the day would someday come. Was it still shocking? It was like the sex conversation with my son.
[00:31:13] Like I knew it was going to come someday. The day it came, I was like, Oh, I didn't think we're here. Right. Panic, but it's like, we know they're coming. So it's almost like preparing in advance, right? Like you can't exactly prepare, but you do. And when you noticed it, like, I'm activated. I, you know, I'm triggered.
[00:31:33] This is happening. Just notice, right? We don't have to change. We don't have, the world doesn't have to come to a complete stop. We just notice. Yeah, I'm glad you put a pin on that because it's it's so important and I just I think it's an important conversation to have because like we started this out. It feels like we're all alone .
[00:31:52] Like nobody gets the experience we're going through. And there are people we do understand what you're going through and to be [00:32:00] able to surround yourself with people who get it and support you in a positive direction is key. Yeah, and the kind of work that we both do is really meant to help you shorten that timeline to from the ice cream freak out to the post office birthday card.
[00:32:19] Right. The work that we do. Is really helping identify those thoughts that are triggering that are activating your nervous system and helping you train your body, train your brain, to move through them faster and to find new thoughts that you want to build. So yes, everybody can do this on their own.
[00:32:40] And I think we are good illustrations of, you know, we have walked through the years of getting to different places with the The step parents. And if you want to do it faster, working with someone is how you do it faster. Yeah. Oh my gosh. If I could go back and sign up for the, like the faster route. [00:33:00] Yeah.
[00:33:00] Oh yeah. Yeah. It just brings up one other thing, like for me, and he still does this to the day to today. My son often on transition day, will for the first few hours after they've come back from my ex's house to my house will call me her name like that is very normal and in the beginning, that was so triggering for me.
[00:33:27] Oh, gosh. Yeah. Yeah. And now it's like, it's such a non issue. Right. Yeah. It's just such a non issue. And so just another example of like, yes, no, that's such a good one. Right. And I tell people all this, like, I, I still don't like transition day for myself. I still do. I do not like it that my son leaves my house.
[00:33:48] I don't. And I don't know that I should. Or that I ever would, right? I just, I love my kid and I, I want him with me. Right. And so I always tell moms, the [00:34:00] goal isn't to get to a point where you're like totally fine and loving that you don't have your kids. Cause as moms, I just don't think we, that's not us.
[00:34:07] That's not how we're wired. The goal is to be okay. Right. The goal is to be able to still have a very full life and miss your kids. Yeah. Right. And so I think it's important. For us to notice that, but also my son still struggles with transitions . Like it is just difficult, just period. And so the more that, like you said, it's kind of like normalize it, know that it's coming and you can see it and you get less activated by it, then we can just have more softness around it for how everybody's feeling, whatever that looks like.
[00:34:44] So good. This has been such a great conversation. I'm, I'm glad we got to dive into Mother's Day and Father's Day and look at it from a lot of different angles around creating what we really want and giving ourselves [00:35:00] a lot of grace for the, the feelings that come up. Before we close, will you talk just a little bit about your book and tell us who that would be great for?
[00:35:10] Oh, yeah, my little book. It's called The People Pleaser's Guide to Co Parenting Well, How to Stop Playing Peacekeeper and Start Parenting Peacefully. I mean, the P's, first time author problems. Just don't do that when you write your book. Just that's my advice. No, the book here's what I love about it.
[00:35:27] I think it's really just sort of a love note to single parents and mostly to single moms because that's who has my heart. You know, parenting is the most challenging thing we can do. And we are, when we are parenting on our own, it adds the level of difficulty. You know, it's like we take like a normal dance routine and then we triple it.
[00:35:50] So it's just, it's challenging. But what I wanted to do is to start to understand how a lot of us sort of want to be the peacekeeper. [00:36:00] In our relationships and we do everything to keep the peace. But when we are doing that, we are actually giving away our own peace. And so it is a very simple framework that I teach in the book and it's what I teach clients and what I talk about on Instagram at nauseam, but it's sort of this Awareness,
[00:36:19] Agency and then Aligned Action. And we talked about it here. But how do you start to choose an intentional way of living and then reverse engineer how to get there? Like we set the destination in the GPS, decide how we want to feel and then reverse engineer it and then actually start to live that way.
[00:36:40] Step by step by step by step. And that's how we create wholeness in our lives, in our well being, in our families, in our mental health. And so I really wrote the book as just a way to help break free of some of the harmful ways that we prioritize peacekeeping over actually creating peace. [00:37:00] Mm.
[00:37:00] That's so good. I love that. And it's meant it's easy to read. It's like a super fast one. So you can read it in a few hours if you were on a plane or something. So it's not like a giant commitment. And it just tells the story of some of my beautiful clients that I'm so grateful to have learned from.
[00:37:18] That's so awesome. I think hearing other people's stories is always so helpful as we're going through it ourselves completely. Absolutely. Thank you so much, Mikki. I will put a link to the book in the show notes y'all so you can go check it out and also to Mikki's Instagram and her website so you can learn more about her and just follow her for lots of inspiration.
[00:37:40] Thank you so much for being on today, Mikki. Appreciate you. Thank you and thank you for all you're doing, Meg. You really are shining a light in the world and offering up possibility to people when they need it most. So thank you. Thank you. All right, y'all. That's what we have for you this week and we will see you next time.
[00:37:58] Bye now.
[00:37:59] [00:38:00] Micke
I've got an early Mother's/Father's Day GIFT FOR YOU 🎁:
6 Recommendations on how to navigate & celebrate Mother's/Father's Day as a divorced parent from co-parenting coach Mikki Gardner and myself:
Day on the Week Doesn't Matter:
Maybe this year Mother's/Father's Day falls on a Tuesday for you. That's all good! Don't let your parenting schedule determine if you celebrate! Just make a household announcement:
“Hear ye, hear ye… this year Mother's Day will be celebrated on Tuesday!”
Own Your Expectations:
Instead of focusing on what Mother's Day "should" look like, reflect on what you really want and find ways to achieve that. Don't gift yourself disappointment and resentment this year!
Take Charge of Your Celebration:
Yes, YOU!! Waiting around for someone else to celebrate you, especially your ex, is a breeding ground for you to transform into Mr./Ms. Mopey. 😞
Instead of relying on others to create a perfect Mother's/Father's Day, take charge of your own celebration! Buy yourself a gift, plan a day that makes you happy, or ask for what you want. Be bold!! Make requests of family or friends to help create what you desire.
Choose How You Want to Feel:
Think about how you want to feel on Mother's Day and work backward to create activities or moments that bring those feelings. This might include making a list of all the ways you rocked it as a parent this year! Dang, you did that! Look at you! 😎
Allow Yourself to Feel Emotions Without Judgment:
It's so very normal to have mixed emotions on Mother's/Father's Day, especially when you're navigating co-parenting or separation. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up without judgment. Practice mindfulness and love hard on yourself. Self-hugs never go out of style!
Call on Your Community:
Connect with others who are significant in your life. This could mean inviting yourself over to a friend's house, joining other families for celebrations, or reaching out to friends with Mother's/Father's Day cards or messages.
Regardless of your family structure, schedule or current circumstances, you get to choose what Mother's/Father's Day is like for you. You are in charge!
Listen to our full conversation for more personal stories of how we and our clients navigate these holidays!
MORE ABOUT MIKKI:
https://www.instagram.com/mikkigardner/
Website https://www.mikkigardner.com/
